The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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