So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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