i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Randomize
