You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
