Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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