I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
