She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
