I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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