State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
