i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
