He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
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Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
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Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....