I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow