just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
