Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
