Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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