I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
