"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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