Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
