If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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