At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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