my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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