she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
