Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
