I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
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I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
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There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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