3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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