hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
