My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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