u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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