I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
