my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
