I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
