i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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