so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
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