listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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