i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
