I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Couch. On fire.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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