this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
