Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
