I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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