I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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