Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
