Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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