My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
