I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
