Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
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We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
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The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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