Pants 0. Shit 1.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
ttyl tear gas
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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