I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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