Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
My liver just broke up with me...
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
