The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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