wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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