Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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