every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Randomize
