people are starting to question the shark bite story
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
