I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
