I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
